8:24 PM14.04.07
Hello, I've shifted servers. You should be re-directed within seconds, but if nothing happens, here.5:14 PM02.04.07
This one's got a couple of pink, but it couldn't be helped. I needed a change, so I dug my files and folders and found an old, old layout. After cutting, pasting, adding, deleting, colourizing and brushing for half an hour, I am done. It's been a looooong time, and I miss these things.As of yesterday, I officially look like Willy Wonka. Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier! Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, everybody give a cheer! Eh hello. At least he's cool okay.
10:54 PM31.03.07
Finally. Been wanting to cut it since weeks and weeks ago but I had to wait for GPA to be over. By that time, practically everyone's gotten their hair cut short, so I changed my mind and thought I'd keep mine long. Then I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt like a mop. And so.
dah pendek dah
It could've been worse lah, okay. OOIGDOBWQDUYFQNB.
The convo I had with Nad just now was refreshing. I'm taking it really to heart, what she told me. I had known those feelings of resentment will stir, I had anticipated the bitter thoughts others will have about me. But there was still no preparation for what she told me. I am not angry. There is no bit of ire within me, none at all. I just feel... disappointed, and a little sad. As much as I told myself to be prepared, that single sentence still hurts. So much so that it made me cry right then and there. But then I feel stupid because I realize I cannot allow myself to wallow in self pity because for motherfucking's sake, I should not be blaming others. They got a right to feel that way.
Like what I told Nad just now, there comes a point of time when you simply don't care anymore about what others think. I've reached beyond that limit. I can't please everyone. I tried that before, and I only ended up crying to myself to sleep every night. I'm too tired, too drained, physically and emotionally, to care. The drama that's happening at home is enough, I don't need my social life to make it worse.
I wish this is like a nightmare, something that I can wake up from.
10:07 PM30.03.07
Just to clarify, the journal entry in the previous post was something I wrote ages ago and I am very much over that phase haha. I was right after all. Time heals all wounds indeed.Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.
I miss so many people lah please. But it's okay. I'll learn to deal with it. Let's be a hermit this weekend shall we?! Have fun gendengs.
12:17 AM30.03.07
starbucks sleep
Before anything, just so you know, I'm not using any handphone at the moment and I'd rather it remain that way for some time now. I can be contacted through my home phone, or the best medium is still the bleeding Net. MSN is always cool. Haha.
I was clearing my wardrobe the other day, and I came upon an old, old journal. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I feel like sharing this.
There is so much inside that I want to let out, but it's hard to put in words alone just how I feel this instant. I'll be fine actually. It's only when I'm alone that these things start coming to me, when I'm left with my own thoughts. When I'm alone in the bus going home, and I walk pass that very place I last saw him looking back at me, waving his hands and trying to smile. Or when I'm alone at night and I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, and during those times, I miss him so much, I long for his presence so much, I cry without even realising.
I started this book with high hopes. I still remember, a long long long time ago, the day I wrote that first entry, as clearly as if it happened yesterday. There was this strange foreign feeling of ultimate bliss inside me that practically overwhelmed my senses. And in this very book, I've written in my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my joy, my sorrow, my cries. I've written down the moments that bring me to tears as I recall them even now, moments that allow me a flicker of a smile even on the saddest of days, moments I know I'll remember for as long as I live. I've poured out everything that lies within the folds of my heart, everything; how it started, how it grew, and how it ends.
Because everything in this world comes to an end, and as much as I am trying to deny the truth, I realise I have to face it sooner or later. I still remember that last day, before he left. I held on to that vow, I hung on to it. That was what kept me going all this while, believing that he will never go away. It gave me the will to continue. But now it's like the only source of my strength to carry on this relationship is being trampled, shattered to pieces. This fairytale has indeed come to an end.
I pretend to be strong, but I cannot lie to myself. As much as I try to act nonchalant, I still am, by all means, a girl. I have a heart, and I have my tears. Yet I have always believed in the power of time in healing all wounds. I'll get out of this in time to come. For now, though, this grief will just remain, unknowing to all, but as pronounced to me as the next take of breath.
With love, Diana
That was the very last entry. After that, I no longer own any sort of written journal because it's one thing to pour out your deepest sentiments on paper, it's another to read through them in times to come.
The weekends are ahead. Favourite days of the week. :) Take care loves, and have fun. <3
6:21 PM23.03.07
I just got back again. Wah tired tired tired and sleepy sleepy sleepy. I feel like I'm losing touch with the people around me. I've had to leave straight after lessons end every single bleeding day which means I haven't been going out with the people I'm closest to. I haven't even seen Syarif the entire week, and that is saying something.You know, if it's not for the multiple breaks we currently have in our time-table, I would've turned into a social outcast. Lebih baik aku tinggal kat dalam gua kan. Eh caves remind me of giants. Not the Roald Dahl's Big Friendly Giant kind, but Rowling's Hagrid kind. They live in the mountains, see, and they sleep in caves. Thing is, they're now on Voldemort's side and this spells trouble for the rest of the wizarding community. Obviously lah, who'd want to have abnormally enlarged humans with insane power and strength for their enemy?
K stop it siak Diana.
8:19 PM21.03.07
Whew. I just got back from St. Luke's. Well I went to school for the first time today since it re-opened. I was told I need not do so, but who can withstand sitting along that quiet corridor and wait for him to say those final words?Anyways, this is not the first time, but I felt out of place. Kind of like an alien. Haha. Well they say you treat upon others how you want them to treat you. I think it must've clearly shown that I am seeking solitude, and that is what I get. Wow. I must be good at expressing myself. Haha.
On a happier note, I forgot to blog about the bag that Syarif got me the other day. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. =) Oh and the free upsize of my Caramel Chocolate from the good people at Vivocity's Starbucks the other day. Thanks for the day out gendeng.
I fell in love with Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yesterday. Just look at his shades lah please. He's so cool and amusing and delightful and extremely merepek. Like Dumbledore. I've always loved humans of such character. The best kind of homo sapiens you can get. Really!
Speaking of Dumbledore, read Harry Potter lately? Occlumency is a branch of magic that concerns itself with closing one's mind against external penetration, with the intent of preventing others from reading one's memories or emotions. It requires an individual to clear their mind of thoughts in order to reveal nothing about themselves. Let me tell you, it's not merely them wizards who practice such seemingly rubbish acts. We do it too, but we don't call it occlumency, we call it pretense.
8:00 PM19.03.07
I went out with Syarif and his friends last Saturday for a movie. We caught 300. I'm still unable to truly express just how much that movie managed to evoke a certain fear in me. A fear of war. Ok I know this sounds corny lah, but I actually felt scared looking at the Spartans raging those fights. Imagine standing in the midst of them men! What terror. And I swear I couldn't understand at first the stuff that was going on, but I had an efficient commentator sitting beside me in the cinemas, so it went quite alright. Hahaha.Like a spark of light. Seemingly innocent, almost harmless. Yet slowly, but surely, and steadily, spreading itself throughout in entirety. You urge yourself forward, certain of your ability to withstand its heat, sure of your aptitude to resist the warmth it offers. You contemplate the odds of throwing yourself in blindly. At times the seductiveness just lingers, like a blanket that wills to protect you from all things harsh. Like a veil of hope that promises you happiness, eradicate all your deepest fears. Other times you simply see it for what it really is: the ferocious flaming fire that may, in the end, result in causing you more harm, and pain, and hurt, than it already is. You walk slowly and carefully, like treading on pieces of broken glass. And then you come to a particular point where you realize you’ve walked too deep in. It’s too late to retreat, and yet you still feel a certain reluctance to plunge yourself in. It is at this very point of time, when you look into the flames and recognize that familiar surge of deepest sorrow in knowing that you are battling a war of emotions with your own self, and that the decisions you will make are out of obligation, rather than sentiments. It begins to dawn on you, the fact that you are not as strong as you thought you were, that your reassurances of your own “courage” has been mere pretense all this while. And you think of what could have been, had you been brave enough, bold enough, strong enough, to take that one step further into the flames...
Yeah. Like a mere spark of light.
9:34 AM16.03.07
WAH.What a week. Career seminar in school, the Japanese invasion, overnight camp, GPA, then headed for Malacca, wedding ceremony, Malacca Sentral and the one and only ticket left to Singapore, Mahkota Parade, Dataran Pahlawan, back to Singapore, Johor with gendeng, lepak with another 2 gendengs, and here I am.
Btw, Fir, you are a very good entertainer. We very much enjoyed your show. Can request song somemore! Susah dapat. K best. Lain kali dah boleh join circus. Wakakakaka.
I've yet to upload gendeng #1's pic. There's something wrong with the USB cable of my phone. Anyway, yesterday at JB I bought 2 tops, a lipbalm and lots and lots of junk. Coffee Bean and Starbucks made a lot of money yesterday, that's what I can say. Hahaha.
Oh, in case you were wondering, we only got lagu ciptaan asli terbaik for GPA. If you realise, the only remaining judge from the original panel for the competition is Zaharian, and since he's in charge of the music section, well, it's not really much of a surprise. Shuk msged me the results while I was in the bus, already on my way to Malacca. I have to admit, it took me a while to let it sink in. There must be some kind of a jinx on the JI/MI people? We never win consecutively. Hahaha. Anyways, congrats to the polytechnics. I didn't get to watch their items, so I can't say much actually. But they must be gooood.
Something funny happened last night on MSN. I was chatting with a friend about GPA and stuff. He was curious about our style of working over here at Perbayu MI. He said that all our shows seem so spontaneous, yet rehearsed. So I told him. And boy was he surprised. "eh, mak kau. macam gini korang 10 org aje dah boleh bukak theatre group sendiri siak. FM, SM, lagu, costume, makeup, rambut, props, promotion, semua korang anak beranak buat." Hahaha. Macam tak biasa.
It feels weird now, reading back my past entries about GPA practices in the container classroom or foyer or outside LT1 or any empty landing we can find. Ah well. We did what we could, with what we had. We treated the performance more like a show, to entertain, instead of a competition, to win. We came, made a mental note to smile, wished the other teams good luck, performed, and sat down amongst the audience to watch the rest of the competition. However so, the ever-familiar tinge of disappointment still surfaces, and I know it will always remain. I recall strangers coming up to me after our performance and congratulating me, "alah korang confirm top 3", blahblahblah. Haha. Well they say that rambut sama hitam, tapi hati lain-lain. It's most unfortunate for us that people whose opinions really matter in obtaining that darn trophy is not on our side. I just hope we entertained the audience. Because that has always been our motive. Sebagai Penglipur hati yang Lara. To all them supporters, whether we know you or not, thank you, thank you, thank you. Loves.
11:39 PM08.03.07
How time flies. I just came back from KL last week. We headed to Malacca, then to KL the next morning, then stayed over at a hotel for the night, went back to Malacca in the afternoon, and then back to Singapore the same night. Some highlights;
That was a week ago. Tomorrow I'll be off to school, then I'll be staying overnight for MCS. On Saturday we'll be going to NYJC for Gema Puisi Artistik directly from school. And then I'll have to rush off to Lavender by 6pm to catch the last bus to Malacca. I'll be back in Singapore by Monday, I hope. I've still got to go for attachments at SMU and UniSIM later in the week.
I just hope I'll find time to breathe. Hahahaha. Oh, before I forget. Congrats to Mr Syarif for making it to next semester! I am so happy for you gendeng. Next year aim for higher higher higher okay. Can do! I'm behind you all the way. :D
Wish me luck for the competition on Saturday k. <3
9:41 PM05.03.07
Dear __________,This is cliché, but it's extremely true when they say that everything happens for a reason, because it really does. Everything. What happened to me these past few months, are major things that leave such an impact. And I know it's one of those few months I will never forget in my entire life.
I met so many new people, and it's kind of funny when you sit down and look back on things. Most of them came, and left. A few came, stayed long enough to leave their mark behind, and then left. Others came, stayed, and never left.
It's this last minority group that you belong in, and that leaves me thanking Him for everything that has happened. If things did not happen the way it did, I wouldn't have met you, and I would have been destitute of your companionship. And that's a thought appalling enough as it is.
I love you, all of you.
Love, Diana.
11:02 PM27.02.07
Ooh guess what. Somebody cut his hair today. Hahahaha. Eh gendeng, from the bottom of my heart, I prefer this one. And it's not kental lah! Makes you look neater okay. Maybe you're just one big kental by yourself, so whether you have short/long/messy/neat hair, people still call you kental no matter what. Wahahahaha. Okay I'm joking, sorry.And guess what #2. My uncle's wedding is on the 3rd of March, which is this Saturday at KL, and the 11th of March, which is next Sunday, at Malacca. And if you know very well, GPA is on the 10th. Which can only mean one thing; I'm dead meat. Howhowhow.
8:36 PM26.02.07
Today was weird in a way. So many, many, many things. GPA practice gonna be held pracically everyday starting this week. Meet-the-parents session for Year 3s this Saturday. And I just got to know that my uncle's wedding in KL is gonna be held this weekend, and not the next. So how?Pesta Pantun yesterday was funny. Congrats for the 2nd placing.
Huish I'm so fat siak. Yeeaarrggh. Alright, now off for Management and Sastera.
9:59 PM23.02.07
Just now after MCS I headed to West Mall with Shuk, Shahani, Nabz and Abg Mok. Over dinner at KFC, we were on the topic of ghosts. You know, pontianaks and penaggals and stuff like that. I simply love listening to these kind of stories, especially if they're being told by Abg Mok. Like, he seriously does give you the creeps when he talks about these stuff. Thing is, I'd regret it soon after, when I'm on my way home alone and it's dark and quiet and spooky, or when I'm in the room and it's midnight and I'm tossing and turning and trying in vain to sleep but I can't because I keep imagining windows creaking, shadows looming and things creeping up to me from above, bottom, left, right and center. You get the drill. So just now I was trying to get people to pick me up from Bukit Batok back home. My brother's in camp, my dad's gone to his parents' place, and so I called Syarif to talk to me while I walk home. Hahahahahaha. Tapi last-last karap jugak. My phone went dead, so I still ended up walking alone. Wah. I was almost running I tell you. And I didn't even glance at the trees.Sahibba '07 tomorrow morning. After which we may be heading to town for some buying of presents and Chingay with Mat and his motor friends (eh but I'm still very, very, very shy okay hahahahaha). On Sunday there's the finals of Pesta Pantun at Woodlands Library. And Danceworks at Marina Square. What a weekend this'll be.
And now I'm wondering how to go sleep later tonight. bfouwbefvoiwuebvuiebviwuebvf!!
1:04 PM20.02.07
Eh guess what guess what. The merepek, lame, so-NOT-funny, rubbish and qualified gendeng Syarif is, without a doubt, back to crap my day up. Hahahaha.Anyways, Happy Birthday to Shahani. So sorry if I will not be able to come to ECP later today. But I'll try anyhow k.
Have a good day today people. <3
5:02 PM19.02.07
Last night at around 11.30 I accompanied my aunt to her house over at Bt Merah. She decided to sleep over at my place for the night and she needed to bring over some of her clothes. When we reached that place, I noticed this old Chinese woman coming out of the lift. She stopped us and asked something like, "Anak, itu bas masih ada lagi?" My aunt shook her head and rushed off towards the lift before it closed, tagging me along. I looked behind and saw the woman smiling gently at me with a slightly distraught look in her eyes. We went up, spent about 20 minutes packing my aunt's stuff, and came back down again.As we were walking towards her bike, I saw that woman again, she barely made it across the street. It was a chilly night and about to rain, and the street was empty, almost desolate. She was hunched in the middle of the road, struggling to put on an old faded beige cardigan. I saw her taking out a purse from her pocket, and as she was digging for coins, she turned and our eyes met. I smiled at her and I could see worry clearly defined in her eyes. And then all of a sudden I felt tears prickling in the corners of my eyes. I found myself wondering. Where's she going at this point of time? Hasn't she got any children? Where will she sleep later tonight? What if a car suddenly swerves out of that corner? As we sped off towards the main road, I couldn't keep my eyes off her. To think she was once a young, energetic woman, perhaps with a great career, loving husband, happy family, a life that was almost close to perfection. Now belittled like that, frail and weak. Like a mere shadow. Who'd even notice if she were to disappear into thin air at that precise moment?
It got me thinking about me, the life I'm leading; whatever the history possesses and the future holds. Who knows where I'll be in 5, 10, 20, maybe even 40 years time?
That old woman whose presence merely lasted for a few minutes in my life, but with such impact. I pray, with all my heart, that she is safe, and protected, and smiling at this very moment.
11:46 PM17.02.07
I just got back. Damn I feel so, so, so extremely tired but I don't feel like sleeping. I don't think I can sleep anyway. So just now I rushed to Woodlands Regional Library at around 1pm to watch the semi-finals of Pesta Pantun. They managed to make it to the finals next week, together with YJ and IJ if I'm not mistaken. Fir came down halfway, that gendeng. Tak merepek tak sah! Hahaha. Walked around Causeway Point, but most of the shops were closed anyway because of the CNY holidays. It's been quite a while since I last saw him. Maklumlah kan, sejak dua menjak ni. *coughs*After he left, I went to join Fana, Nadia, Su and Cikgu Mardiana for lunch at LJS. They were pretty much in a crappy mood so we had the entire restaurant looking at us guffawing our asses off, especially Fana. Hahahaha.
You know what. It feels like such, such, such a long time since I laughed so much with them. Ahh. Must be the stuff going on. But just now kinda made me happy. Despite everything, I love and miss and sayang and rindu each and everyone of you. Yeargggghh. K dah. It felt just like the good old times, you know what I mean? :)
They left off for home at around 6pm, and I wandered around CP alone, while waiting for Sadiq to reach from his workplace. After which we went to catch Ghost Rider at Cathay, and oh God, I swear that movie is merepek with a capital M! Superhero naik motor, siap dengan api lagi. Kiwak! Dier ingat style ke ape. Hahahahaha.
Oh. And kiwak reminds me of someone. Someone in Kelantan/Thailand at this precise moment. Come back faster can? I got so, so, so many things to tell you! Lama-lama kat sana buat ape, blajar main rebana? Cepat balik lahhh.
11:35 AM16.02.07
It's been *counts* approximately 10 days since I last updated. Lots been happening, but I just refrained from blogging because I don't even know how to put the recent happenings in words.So Common Test is over, and we've gotten back some of the papers, namely GP and Malay. GP was usual, but the funny thing was Malay. Ah well. I did try my hand at Sastera, and I thought that the paper wasn't as.. mind-boggling as I expected, since I didn't attend his extra classes and all, being the asshole I know am. But I found that I could at least answer the questions. And when he went through the answers in class, in my mind I went through my points that were similar to his and I felt that I was able to at least fail well, if you know what I mean. But I guess that was wishful thinking on my part. Ah WTF. I studied last minute and I didn't go for his Saturday classes and I didn't consulted him and everything, so I asked for it. Gone were the days when Malay was my only hope for a pass. I should take this as a reminder not to depend on this subject solely.
And then there was Drama. Talk about drama. Hah! Dah macam sandiwara kat RTM1. I wonder why all these things keep on happening to us? Sometimes it makes me wonder, is it wrong to keep on blaming the other party? Has the problem always been US all this while, and never them? Otherwise, why would these same phenomena keep occurring? Emotions running high, harsh accusations being thrown, friends running away, talents being looked down on. Perhaps we are no longer united, physically and emotionally. So much happening at the same time, that everyone has a different agenda to mind, different objectives to target and hence, we differ in intention, purpose, and most importantly, we are different at heart. Sometimes this difference protrudes, so apparent, that it's hard not to notice.
There are instances when it's better to simply spend some time to relax, take a breather and look back on things. Rather than you insist that you mustn't stop, that you need to keep going. You'll be the one feeling moody and putting on a rather grumpy face every morning. Why? Because you persist in being strong and never to break down, or cry, or take a step back. You know what keeps me sane all this while? It's knowing that there are other people being given lots more responsibilities than I am, but has never, ever complained a single time to me. The strength they project, despite their involvement in so many other things, is almost quite admirable. It also helps a great deal in knowing that I have friends who share the burden with me. Knowing that I'm not alone in thinking these same thoughts makes me feel better. We're all the same. Like I told Shuk last night, crying at bus stops is becoming a trend, just like how crying yourself to sleep every single night has become the simplest way for you to let go. We all feel like giving up, we all feel like nobody frigging cares, we all feel stupid, we all feel confused, and in short, we all feel like shit. We got into this mess together, and we'll get out of it together as well. We've got to, there are no other choices because the next best option is to part and leave separately and I don't want that to happen. Not in a lifetime. Despite what we're faced with today, I know my people still cherish and treasure very much this friendship that we've built thus far.
So anyways, on a lighter note, congrats to Fir. Jangan step tak tau pasal ape eh haha. I told you I always pray for your happiness. Maybe this is His answer? You'll never know. Be happy okay Daus. Nyehehehe. It'll be a long, long, looong weekend ahead. So many people leaving for holidays abroad. Ahh. I'm gonna miss people seh. You know I know. Haiyah.
What a long entry. Dah macam GP essay. Haha. Anyways, I'll be leaving for Malacca later at around 3pm. I'll be back most probably tomorrow morning or afternoon. Till then, have a great weekend. <3
11:57 PM03.02.07
I've done my fair share. I've hurt them enough. It's about time I seek solace and drown all my sorrows in the solitude of my own self.I'm sorry for everything. Those tears you saw mean a whole lot more.
11:16 PM02.02.07
Have you heard? HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS is coming out this July!! I'm totally going for pre-order as usual. It's like the 7th and final book okay! Can you imagine! No more Harry Potter to look forward to! How immensely saddening. But nevermind. There's still the movies to look forward to. Though i must say the books are way, way, wayyy off better. It's Rowling's writing that makes it perfection. Ahh.Anyways, all the best and good luck for the Common Test everyone. Study hard. Nyahahah.
8:19 PM31.01.07
Damn I SHOULD'VE FOLLOWED THEM TO WATCH TONIGHT'S MATCH AGAINST THAILAND AT THE NATIONAL STADIUM.JFbUGI$%UGuiggb&ugo75HYG&*^iygfIYfi%Kiug!@hjfJV^
Blame me and my lazy ass. Anyways, life without handphone is quite close to misery. I'm sure you understand. Haha.
So let's see what's up. we've got common test next week. After which I think we'd be breathing, sleeping, eating and drinking drama and dance and songs in preparation for GPA in March. I can't say we're eagerly waiting forward to that, but. We all know we want to defend that title, don't we?
Anddd the MCS kids will be going to one of the Riau islands during the March holidays. I doubt I'll be following though, cos my uncle's getting married the same week. It's gonna be like the event of the year or something cos that's when all my relatives, including my mother's father's cousin's wife's son or something, will meet. At my kampung everyone's practically related to everyone. I get people coming up to me and going, "Oh, ni cucunya Haji Bakar? Dak Yana tu. Ah iye ler tu." You know what I mean? And there are times when people come up to my grandfather, asking stuff like, "Abang dah lama balik kampung? Anak-anak baik? Itu hari sakit dah baik?" And then my grandad will talk to him for like half an hour about some land issues and whatnots and when he's gone I'd ask my grandad, "Siapa tu?" And he'll go, "Entah, atuk pun tak tau, Ana. Layankan ajer." Hahahaha. See, my atuk also bebual macam faham. Man I miss my grandparents. So, so, so much.
So where was I? Oh yes. And it's gonna be held at KL for the first weekend at the girl's house, and Malacca for the second at my grandparent's house.
So basically I'm trying to express my grief for being unable to go for that trip to Riau. They were discussing the itinerary just now and I kinda felt sad.
BUT BUT BUT. It's an opportunity cost that I'll have to learn to deal with. Fuh. Opportunity cost. Macam faham.
Take care lovely people. <3
4:46 AM28.01.07
It's 4, almost 5 in the morning. I'm just done with some school stuff and I was trying to get back to sleep but it's not working. You know when you toss and turn and toss and turn and you force your eyes to shut and you realise 10 minutes later that you'll never get to sleep unless you get something done? Exactly.I just logged on to say that I miss you just as much. Please do take care of yourself ok.
It's like. When you lose something you've been holding on to for so long. Something you place your hopes on, something you feel you can depend on whenever you need a shoulder to cry, or a smile to cheer you up. It's like realising things've changed and will never be the same again. It's like knowing you can't do anything about it because change is inevitable, and you simply have to learn to deal with it. It's times like this when you turn to whoever happen to be there for you at that moment, whoever seem to show you that they truly care for you in all sincerity. It's times like this when I thank God for people like Fir. Thank you for your help and advice and jokes. I don't deny the fact that your kind deeds and sincerity have brought me to tears more than once. I pray for your happiness all the time. You'll be fine. I know you will.
There i've said it. I'll be able to sleep after this.
11:12 PM27.01.07
The things people do when they're bored during lessons.
Shukri's version;
Asilah's version;
7:59 PM24.01.07
So today we had school. Lessons went okay, Management went good, but I'm kinda worried for my Geography, especially Physical. I can't help but feel sleepy. Howhowhow. But i had RedBull just now, and it kept me quite awake. I think i'm addicted to that thing. And it's all because of who? Syarif gendeng lah, siapa lagi.And then after school we had MCS practice as per normal. It was quite an event. I think I should continue to shut up, listen to whatever is going on, swallow what I can, spit whatever I can't, and speak whenever I'm asked to. Other than that, I'll do whatever I'm instructed or directed to. I'll keep whatever feelings I have within me, and I'll try my very best not to show it, so as not to let it affect the group, okay? It always works for me!
I'm gonna try to update this thing as frequent as I can, for YOU.
I just wanted to say, thank you so, so, so much for understanding. You don't know how much it means to me. I know it hurts you, and I'm sorry because I simply have to do this. I don't know what else is not right, what else is it that I want. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. Whatever the answer is gonna be, believe me when I say that the last thing I want to do, is to hurt your feelings. And if I really do that, I'd be doing it because I feel it's better for your sake and happiness, and never mine.
10:52 PM21.01.07
I don't really know what to blog about. just that these few days I've turned into a confused soul. One moment I'm happy, the next second I'd feel like crying. and the next I'd feel worried or excited or nervous. There are some times when I don't even know how or what to feel anymore.But for now, at this point of time, I feel happy. Let's hope it remains that way.
I dared to promise you what I promised you earlier because at this point of time, I feel towards you what you feel towards me. I'm just afraid. Extremely afraid. Which is why time is important. It makes all the difference in the world. But don't you worry. We'll be fine.
8:57 PM14.01.07
Went Esplanade yesterday.Went Vivo today.
And I had a gooood time. =)
But but but. It's back to school tmr. Come let's do our Geography tutorial!
12:10 AM14.01.07
Dear Brudder,I know this seems stupid but I apologize because I know I may appear hostile and act like such a bitch to you these days. I know I may not have been telling u about stuffs like how I used to. I know that I may have turned to other sources for comfort, advice, solace. And I know this is wrong of me because previously, you were the one I turned to first whenever something bothered me, whenever I felt down, whenever I needed someone to make me laugh. But I can't help it. Because sometimes I don't even know when to talk to you because I don't want to be seen and to feel like such a disturbance. I needed someone to talk to because I can't keep it all to myself. I kept on insisting I can but I learned that you had been right all along. I can't. And so I turn to other people I trust, other people who are willing to spare just a little bit of time and listen to me. But bro, I'd rather have you back, because only God knows how much I miss you.
I'm sorry once again. I may have met knew people, I may have made new friends, but honestly, I'd rather lose them and have you, than lose you and have them.
Love, Diana
10:09 PM11.01.07
I didn't want to do this, but I have to. It's better that I tell you now, than later. Because the higher you climb, the harder you drop. I'm taking it all as my fault. And for that I'm really, really, really sorry. Believe me, if I could, I never would want this to happen. From the bottom of my heart, I'm truly sorry. For everything.I just don't understand why I have to keep on doing this to people.
8:00 PM10.01.07
Never go beyond this door if it's raining and you conveniently happen to leave your sweater at home.